Hopeless: A High School Bully Romance (Playa Del Mar Book 1) Read online

  He leans his head toward me and whispers in my ear. “Don’t listen to these assholes.”

  Why wouldn’t I? They’re his friends. They have no reason to lie.

  “I like you.” His breath tickles my ear and sends shivers down my spine. “That’s all that matters, right?”

  I don’t answer.

  It’s all that should matter, but I know myself better than that and now I don’t know what’s worse.

  Being the girl no one remembers, or the girl who will soon be forgotten.

  Chapter 15

  Ben isn’t at school Thursday, either.

  We text off and on during the day, mostly at his insistence. I told him about my run-in with Charity on Wednesday—about all three of them—and he now wants a play-by-play of my entire day. To make sure I’m safe, he says.

  As if he can do anything about it holed up in his bedroom.

  I don’t tell him about Hayden, but I mention Emily and her friends, and how they have been nice to me.

  And I eat lunch with them on Thursday, because Emily won’t take no for an answer. She grilled me about lunch the previous day and I made up an excuse, not wanting to admit to being with Hayden, especially since Willow was standing there, waiting for my response.

  I caught Hayden glancing my direction as Emily propelled me toward the bench. He lifted his hand, a quick wave, which no one but me saw. I nodded my head and looked away.

  So I spent lunch stealing covert glances at an oblivious Willow, wondering if she was really with Hayden, and for how long.

  But it’s not like I’m going to ask her.

  So it just festers inside of me, growing like a cancer.

  And I let it.

  I’m walking home after school when a very familiar black Camaro pulls up alongside me.

  Hayden rolls down the passenger window. “Wanna ride?”

  I hate what his smile does to me.

  “Come on,” he says. He leans over and pushes the door open. “You bailed on me for lunch. Spend a few minutes with me now.”

  I hesitate, then climb inside. His car is surprisingly clean, save for a drink in the cup holder. His backpack is by my feet and I shift so I’m not stepping on it.

  He turns down the music. “I didn’t know you were friends with Emily and her crew.”

  I’m not sure how to respond. “Oh.”

  “Were you guys friends before you moved?”

  “No.”

  “How did you guys hook up?”

  “Hook up?” I say. “We’re not dating.”

  His hand finds mine in my lap. “Better not be.” His thumb strokes mine and his fingers brush my bare thigh.

  I pull my hand away. He trails his fingers along the hem of my shorts, inching closer to my inner thigh.

  I turn my body toward the passenger door.

  His hand stills and he glances at me. “What’s wrong?”

  Everything, I think.

  “What?” There is actual concern in his voice.

  A voice inside of me is screaming to just let it go. Enjoy the moment with him. He likes me, and that’s all that matters.

  But it’s not.

  It’s so not.

  I take a deep breath. “Did you go out with Willow?”

  “What?”

  “Did you go out with her?” I repeat, swallowing hard against the lump lodged in my throat. “Is what Beckett said true? You date all the new girls?”

  “Beckett’s a dick,” he says. He lifts his hand from my thigh and grips the steering wheel. “And, no, that isn’t what I do.”

  “So you didn’t go out with her?”

  He doesn’t answer right away.

  It’s like a slap to the face.

  “Pull over.”

  “What?” He looks at me. “Is this where you live?”

  We’re still two blocks away from my house. I could lie and tell him yes and he’d never know the difference.

  “No. I just want out.”

  He frowns but pulls to the curb. “Why?”

  My insecurities wage war inside of me, along with hurt and anxiety and anger.

  But ultimately, anger wins.

  “I’m not some new toy for you to play with,” I say. “That's not me.”

  His frown deepens. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “You heard me.” I grab the handle and force the car door open. “Find some other shiny new thing to play with. Because I’m not it.”

  I hop out of the car, holding tight to my backpack.

  Hayden kills the engine and he’s on the sidewalk seconds later, blocking my path. “Seriously?” he says. “Is that what you think?”

  I sling my backpack over my shoulder and glare at him. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

  “No.” He shakes his head and lets out this little laugh. “Tell me you don’t think that’s true.”

  But I can’t. Because Beckett planted the seed and it’s already taken hold.

  The seconds of silence are loaded, heavy.

  He scoffs. “Unbelievable.”

  I can tell he’s pissed, maybe even…hurt?

  But then his eyes narrow and his mouth tightens and he gives me a look that sends chills over my skin. And not the good kind.

  “Okay, fine,” he says. “You’re right.”

  I want to look away from him but I don’t.

  Even though my stomach has dropped to my feet and my eyes burn and a sob threatens to choke off my air.

  “Shiny and new,” he says as a smile slowly curves his lips. “And totally not worth my time. Can’t believe I suffered through an hour with you last night and didn’t even get a decent fuck out of it.”

  His words slice through me, dozens of tiny, razor-sharp cuts, but I manage to keep it together enough to say, “You didn’t get any fuck, asshole.”

  He smirks. “I was giving you one more day, Fuego. One more try before dropping your ass. Why do you think I stopped to give you a ride home?”

  The tears are gashes now, and I’m completely shredded.

  But I stare him down despite the pain. “You’re an asshole, Hayden.”

  His smile deepens, those dimples popping. “I know.”

  Chapter 16

  I don’t go home.

  My mom might be there and I can’t face her like this, not when I’m fighting tears and wanting to punch something, all at the same time.

  Hayden tore off down the street and I’m still standing in the exact same spot, trying to get my racing heart under control.

  Trying to process what just happened.

  I’m not the girl no one remembers. I’m the girl to be used and tossed aside.

  My phone vibrates.

  I know it won’t be Hayden but I still hesitate before pulling it out of my pocket.

  Ben’s name is on the screen.

  How was it?

  I stare at the screen and then type out a reply.

  Fine.

  Did that bitch leave you alone?

  Yeah.

  Too bad the asshole didn’t.

  Dots appear and I know Ben is typing.

  Is everything okay?

  Tears blur my vision. Is it really that obvious, even through texting, just how wrecked I am?

  I don’t respond.

  Instead, I look up and really notice where I’m standing.

  Ben’s address pops into my mind. We exchanged addresses a couple of years ago, when I was feeling especially homesick for American food. He sent me a box of Lucky Charms, which I ate a spoonful at a time, not even caring when the marshmallows hardened and the cereal got stale. It was impossible to find in New Zealand and I was going to savor every single bite. I sent him some Whitaker chocolates in return.

  But his address…

  I look at the street sign and realize his house is two blocks east.

  So I turn and head in that direction.

  His house is a little bigger than my grandpa’s, the stucco painted a light gray, with a cracked and chipped sidewalk
leading to the front door. The grass is choked with weeds but there is a bird feeder in the yard and a pot overflowing with flowers sitting by the door.

  I press the doorbell and, when I don’t hear it ring, follow with a couple of quick knocks.

  The door opens and Ben is standing there in sweats and a t-shirt, wearing a look of surprise. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was walking home and thought I’d stop by.” I pause. “Can I come in?”

  He looks a little flustered but opens the door wider and steps aside.

  The living room of his house looks like it has served as his man cave for the past two days. There is an opened pizza box on the coffee table, a single slice of pepperoni left, and an almost empty two-liter of Mountain Dew. A stack of DVD and video game cases lean up against the side of the couch and a blanket is crumpled on the cushions.

  Ben yanks the blanket off the couch and tosses it on to a faded black leather recliner.

  “Um, have a seat,” he says. He closes the pizza box and goes to move the DVDs and games.

  “How are you feeling?” I ask.

  “Oh, I’m alright,” he says. He shoves the games in one side of the entertainment center and the movies in the other.

  “You don’t look sick.” He doesn’t. His curls are damp, but shower-damp, not feverish and sweating wet. He’s not flushed or particularly pale, and his eyes and nose aren’t red from a cold. “You must be feeling better?”

  He gives a small nod. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “What exactly was wrong?” I perch on the edge of the couch and set my backpack at my feet.

  “Food poisoning, I think.”

  I make a face. “Oh, yuck. I’m sorry.” I eye the pizza box. “I guess if you’re eating that, you must be almost back to normal.” But then I frown. “Wait. I thought you were lactose intolerant?”

  He glances at the box. “Yeah, it’s basically just when I drink milk.”

  “But you said you didn’t want to come get pizza with us—”

  “My mom and I just figured that out,” he says. “That cheese seems to be okay. At least in small amounts.”

  He’s eaten almost the entire pizza, so I’m not sure how that can be considered a small amount, but I don’t comment.

  “Are you home alone?” I ask.

  “No, my mom’s here. She’s sleeping. She’s working nights at the hospital.”

  I cover my mouth. “I’m sorry.”

  He grins. “She sleeps like the dead. Don’t worry.” He eyes me curiously. “So you were walking home and just decided to come by?”

  The way he says it makes me feel a little self-conscious. “Is that okay? I mean, I can go if you want, especially since your mom—”

  He holds up a hand. “No, no, it’s totally fine. I was just wondering…” He clears his throat. “So, Charity left you alone today?”

  “Yeah, I barely saw her. She’s in my art class but she left ten minutes in. Something about having an appointment, I guess.”

  “Probably with her plastic surgeon.”

  I smile, even though it hurts.

  Ben frowns. “Is everything okay? You seem…I don’t know. Down.”

  I don’t know if I want to tell him about Hayden.

  I feel stupid, like I jumped in headfirst, so desperate to belong and to be wanted. It’s my fault, really, that I let myself believe I was anything more than a fun hookup. That he actually liked me. That I mattered.

  But knowing that doesn’t take the sting away.

  It intensifies it, because it just means that I’m stupid and desperate and gullible.

  And I don’t know that I want to admit any of that.

  But I’m also hurting, and I don’t have anyone else to turn to. I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna go home and tell my mom that I made out with some guy I barely knew, believed him when he held my hand and told me he liked me just so he could get in my pants—which he didn’t—and then dumped me when he realized I wasn’t going to be an easy lay. Besides, she probably isn’t home, even if I did decide I want to spill everything to her.

  And I can’t really talk to Jada, either. Sure, I can message her, but the half-day time difference isn’t great for having real-time conversations.

  Besides, I don’t really want to admit that I’ve been back in Playa Del Mar for less than a week and already feel like an epic failure, like I’m the exact same person I was when I left four years ago.

  Completely and utterly forgettable.

  Ben was standing but he sits down next to me. “I’m not contagious, I promise.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. Concern fills his brown eyes. “Talk to me, Syd. I can tell something is wrong. Did one of her asshole tag-alongs start something? I bet it was Ainsely. She is demon spawn. Straight up evil.”

  I smile and shake my head. “I mean, yeah she is demon spawn, but she didn’t do anything. Today, anyway.”

  “So what is it?” he asks.

  I sigh. “I’m just stupid.”

  He frowns. “No, you’re not. You’re like one of the smartest people I know.”

  “Stupid in life.”

  He stares at me, then gets to his feet. “Wait a sec.” He disappears around the corner and then comes back a few seconds later, holding an enormous bag of M&Ms. He holds it out. “Put out your hand.”

  He dumps so many in my hand, a few spill to the floor.

  He sits down next to me and plunges his hand into the bag. “We now have chocolate and all is right with the world. Talk to me.” He shoves a handful in his mouth.

  And this is why Ben is my friend.

  This is the person I wished I could hang out with in person when I was thousands of miles away. There were lots of times, usually on weekends when the time difference didn’t matter so much, where we would video chat. He’d have bags of American candy and Mountain Dew, and I’d be armed with New Zealand chocolates and Coke, and we’d talk about movies and TV shows and stuff that didn’t matter but felt like the most important topics in the world.

  “So I met this guy…”

  He stops chewing.

  I pick out a blue M&M and eat it.

  He swallows. “A guy?”

  I nod.

  “Where? Who? How?” He reaches into the bag again. “Tell me everything.”

  So I do.

  Well, not everything.

  I don’t tell him how Hayden kissed. How his hands felt on my skin. How, if he’d pressed just a little that night on the lifeguard tower, he could have had me naked and breathless underneath him.

  Ben’s eyes are wide when I finish.

  “Wow,” he finally says. “Gotta say, I did not see that coming.”

  “Which part?”

  “All of it.” He drops another handful of candies into my hand. “Well, that’s not true. Hayden being an asshole? That part I can totally see.”

  It’s the confirmation I knew was coming, but it still hurts to hear it.

  “Why is that?” I ask. Because let’s just go ahead and drive the stake right through my heart.

  Ben shrugs. “Because that’s how he is. How he’s always been. At least in high school.”

  “Beckett said he’s worked his way through every girl at school.”

  “Pretty much,” he said. “He and Charity were a thing for a while, but after they broke up, he just went right down the line. Kinda surprised he isn’t some walking petri dish of STDs. I think the only people he didn’t date or hook up with were Ainsley and Nina, and that’s only because they’re her best friends.”

  I stare at Ben. “Hayden and Charity were a couple?”

  He rolls his eyes. “Oh my god, yes. For like forever. Pretty much all of freshman and sophomore year.”

  This shouldn’t surprise me—he’s arguably the hottest guy in school and she’s pretty Miss Perfect—but it does.

  And it just makes what happened sting even more.

  He must notice the expression on my face because he reaches out and tips my chin so I’m looking at him
.

  “Don’t let him get to you,” he tells me. “You can do so much better than Hayden Mayfield. I promise. There is nothing good about that dude. Nothing.”

  Chapter 17

  I feel marginally better after talking to Ben.

  Not great, but better.

  But when I get to campus on Friday and notice he’s not at school again, I immediately pull out my phone and text him.

  OMG where are you??

  Emily asks the same question when I join her for lunch. This time, I don’t even look for Hayden.

  “Where the hell is Ben?” she asks as she pulls a pre-packaged salad from her bag.

  I don’t know, because he never responded to my text.

  Willow sips from her water bottle. She’s vegan and, from what I’ve seen, subsists on nuts and carrot sticks. She tilts her head toward the sky, soaking in the sunshine. Her hair is so white, it’s blinding. “Why are you so obsessed with Ben?” she asks Emily, her eyes closed. “You guys are like barely friends.”

  Emily spears a piece of lettuce with her fork. Her salad is drenched in dressing, to the point it drips off the leaf she’s bringing to her mouth. “We are too,” she says. “And I’m not asking for me. I’m asking for Sydney.”

  “Me?” I say.

  She nods. “I know how close you guys are. It has to suck being back here and not having Ben with you.”

  She’s not wrong.

  Belle makes a face. “Hey, she has us. Don’t you?” She looks at me, waiting for an answer.

  I smile. “Sure.”

  “It’s not the same,” Emily says. “But you’re right. Sydney has us.” She flashes a smile in my direction. “Which is why you are coming with us tonight.”

  “Tonight?” I say. “Where?”

  Emily chuckles. “To a party. Duh. Liam Murphy’s parents are out of town. He’s got this big house down on the beach, right by the cove. And because he’s super rich, there will be tons of alcohol. Not cheap ass beer like the back-to-school party.”

  Belle claps her hands. “Yay for no cheap-ass beer!”

  “We’ll pick you up,” Emily tells me. “Willow’s designated driver tonight. Right?”